The Scone

Everyone: prepare for disappointment. Scones are not cream horns. Am I the only person that didn’t know this? I would keep hearing scones mentioned—on TV, in real life, on the internet—and I would think, “Oh my god, I would love to eat a scone right now!”

Do other people actually know what scones are and still eat them? You know they’re not cream horns, right? Cream horns are those delicious things made of puff pastry shaped into a horn and then piped full of whipped cream; scones are like a sweet bun but aren’t because they don’t have yeast or something. I don’t know. I do know why they’re not delicious though: because they’re not puff-pastry-horns-filled-with-whipped-cream.

Having recently achieved my goal of being accepted into a
Masters program at U of T, all that is left for me now is to
burrow into a giant cream horn and forget about the outside world.

But now that I know what scones are only by knowing what they’re not, I can say with absolute certainty that I do not want to eat one. I’m afraid that they would be much too dense or perhaps not sweet enough. A cursory google image search has led me to the conclusion that scones must be eaten with jam, and I don’t like the idea of needing to eat any of my foods with jam just so that they will be sweet enough for me to enjoy. Total dependency on a condiment is a sign of weakness.

Until just now, I assumed that the word “ensconce” was somehow related to “scone,” like to envelope oneself in a scone. But now I have learned that “sconce” means fortress and is not related to scones at all! And because I thought scones were cream horns, I thought it had something to do with living in a cream horn in the same way that a hermit crab lives in a shell. And now the only thing that is saving the world from being an ugly and inhospitable place is making very rudimentary splicings of hermit crabs in cream horns.

Learn from my mistakes and do not be hasty:

The scone is not a cream-filled horn-shaped puff pastry. 

And unlike the cream-horn, the scone

Will serve neither as a suitable nor portable home.