"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Freezer-burnt placenta

Dear Food Thoughtz, 

Since you are clearly the expert on food related issues, I have a problem and could really use your help... 

I'm sure I'm not unique in the fact that my freezer is often crowded with foodstuffs that have overstayed their welcome. Normally it's no problem to make more room by simply chucking things out, but I have an item that is taking up a fair amount of space and creating a sizeable dilemma. What should I do with my placenta? There is just no simple solution as I see it. It is just so valuable and I can't in good conscience throw it away, but I'm a bit concerned about cooking it at this point. It's been in there for about 6 months now and is sure to be freezer burned. Do you think this will diminish the nutritional value? Should I just pluck up the $150 and have it made into pills, or can I still get away with making it into a stew or something? Any thoughts you might have on the subject would be greatly appreciated. 

Signed,Placenta Ideas Sincerely Sought

Dear PISS,

First of all, my sincerest apologies for not getting back to you sooner – even I’m surprised that your freezer-burnt placenta wasn’t enough to arouse my food thoughtz. And to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have bothered to get around to this if I hadn’t talked to my mum last night on the phone. She recently sent me a Valentine’s care package (which also had Midge Deak’s belated birthday present inside: two Microplanes), which included some homemade chocolate chip cookies. I had initially request sugar cookies because they’re my favourite and I can’t get enough of that icing, but she sent chocolate chip cookies instead because you don’t have to roll out the dough. Anyway, I called her last night to thank her for the package and she told me that she actually did try to make sugar cookies because she just happened to have some dough in the freezer “from about a year ago” when her and my niece made sugar cookies together. So she took the dough out, and I’m not sure how far she got beyond that. Maybe she rolled, cut, and baked the cookies, or maybe she didn’t get beyond thawing the dough. We’ll never know. But what we do know is that she had to throw all of it out because during its one year tenure in the freezer, the dough had absorbed some foul taste from something else, rendering it unedible.

This story was just the push I needed to respond to your query of over a month ago. My advice to you is to eat it asap. First of all, you might be lucky and maybe that placenta has absorbed the tastes of actual foods that surround it. But secondly, the longer you let that frozen mass of cells sit in your freezer, the more likely it is that all of your other foods are absorbing what I can only imagine to be the totally revolting taste of a human placenta.

I don’t know how you should eat it. Midge Deak suggests frying it up with onions and paprika. Although she has never eaten a placenta, she regularly eats substances that physically and gustatorily (no idea if that’s a word) resemble placentas. Your biggest mistake was probably that you didn’t initially portion it up, because I think that the best way to consume this would be in a smoothie, but it’s going to be a really big pain to thaw out the whole thing just to make one smoothie. Unless your planning to have a pure placenta smoothie, which I wouldn’t personally recommend. Under no circumstances should you spend $150 to have your placenta made into pills. If you have a placenta in your freezer, I’m guessing it’s because you have a child somewhere in your house, and wouldn’t you rather put that $150 towards that child’s education or some frivolous article of clothing for her?

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say. Thanks for your request. Please do let me know how it all turns out.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Night Snackin'

Dear Food Thoughtz

I need your help determining whether or not I have a problem. My boyfriend has started night eating. After we go to bed - and sometimes even after he has fallen asleep - he announces that he's hungry and asks what kind of meat I have in the fridge. He's very thoughtful, always asking me if I want a sandwich, or a drumstick, or a big slab of ham, but it's weird...right? I can't tell if it's problematic, mostly because his earnesty and determination are really funny. Yesterday I brought him a piece of dry-cured sausage and left it on the counter specifically for his night snack. Was that the right thing to do? The pro is that it made him really happy. The con was that he got back into bed smelling like Spanish chorizo. Should I enable this behaviour? Ignore it? Resist? I have a no-food-in-bed rule, but if he gets back into bed with a chunk of meat in his mouth does that count? Honestly, I'm at a loss.

Sincerely,
Amused but confused

Addendum:

Ok seriously. I need an answer here. Last night when my boyfriend came over for dinner, he brought 3 baguettes and 2 sausages SOLELY for the purpose of being well-equipped to night-snack (we were having tacos for dinner, so there was no way to pretend that the bread had any other reason to be there).

Dear ABC,

I regret to inform you, but I'm not sure there's much I can do here. I think this is something that your boyfriend has to work through on his own. Honestly, the best thing he could do is chart his night snackin' in a journal. And then to scan that journal, and submit it to Food Thoughtz. A few titles that might suit the topic are:

• From Sleep to Snacks: One Man's Journey
• Somnambulant Snacker: One Man's Journey
• Snacking While Sleeping: One Man's Journey
• One Man's Journey: One Man's Journey
• Midnight Journey to the Kitchen: One Man's Journey to the Kitchen
• Awake and Dreaming ... And Snacking: One Man's Journey

It would probably be beneficial to stop snacking throughout the night because if he's not brushing his teeth afterwards, it might lead to cavities. I am basically the queen of cavities, so I should know.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Too Close for Comfort

Dear Food Thoughtz

Today was my office Christmas potluck luncheon. It was primarily meat and cheese: meatballs, macaroni and cheese, two meat and cheese plates, and a quiche made with cheese and bacon. I brought homemade eatmore bars. They didn't have meat or cheese in them.

Mid-way through our festivities, my officemate got up for seconds, which included a single meatball, and an eatmore square. She put them on the plate together. Oh my god they were so close together. I've attached a picture of the plate, and her reaction as we all shamed her.

My question is: do you think I should request a new officemate?

Sincerely,
Perturbed potlucker

PS she's from France. 

Dear PP,

First of all, apologies for my late response. The good news is that it's never too late to request a new officemate. The bad news is evident in the above photograph.

I must admit, I have a bit of a problem with what you identified as the primary issue here. The problem isn't really that she put the meatball and the eatmore bar on the same plate (and indeed they are treacherously close), but that the plate was already used before she put the eatmore bar on it, and that it was used to hold very messy foods (presumably from previous meatballs), and that those messy foods left a pool of, what appears to be, sweet-and-sour sauce. Or barbeque sauce. Frankly, I don't know the difference.

The weirdest thing here, for me, is that things like eatmore bars don't even need to go on a plate. Like, why risk it? Who likes to live on the edge like this? It's entirely acceptable to cup it in your hand, blanketed in a napkin. Or even without the napkin. It doesn't matter. It's a snack made to be eaten by hand! It just doesn't make sense! That she's French just further obscures things! I thought they were responsible and refined, if in nothing else, at least in food and dining etiquette.

But kudos to your for bringing homemade eatmore bars. I am so sick and tired of cheese plates. Not only will I not eat 99% of the cheese featured on them, the cheddar--which is obviously the only cheese I would eat--is always kind of sweaty. So gross.

Ultimately I think, no, you shouldn't request a new officemate. Seize this opportunity to enrich the life of another human being by continuously shaming her for being so disgusting. Sooner or later she'll learn.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Why Are Kiwis Hairy Fruits?

This installment of Dear Food Thoughtz comes from a four year-old. She is also my niece.

Dear Food Thoughtz/Auntie Sally,

Why are kiwis hairy fruits?

Eleanor.

Dear Eleanor,

Kiwis are hairy in order to test our resolve and commitment to the fruit. Nothing in this world is free. You have to work if you want to gain access to that sweet, sweet kiwi flesh. Also, you have to actually pay for the kiwis first. And also, you should know that kiwis are not really that good.

But at least kiwis are hairy on the outside. So are we. Why should fruits be any different than us? And like us, a kiwi’s skin can be removed—if you so choose—before you eat the fruit. A better question to ask would have been: “why are mangoes hairy?” Because those fruits are hairy on the inside, and that really doesn’t make any sense at all.

Please write in again. Your question is better than most others. 

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Gothic Diets

Dear Food Thoughtz,

I am quickly and steadily approaching a mid-life crisis. So I was looking at my life, contemplating whether there was anyhting I should have done otherwise or any things I feel like I have missed out on. After having thought about it carefully, while listening to my favourite Sisters of Mercy album, I have concluded that I really regret that I never had a "goth" period in my life. Whereas my other terrible life-decision cannot be remedied, I feel like I can still become a goth (even though my wife thinks I am too old for it). Anyways, I was wondering whether you have any food suggestions for the gothic lifestyle? Should I eat at all? Should I become a vampire? Should I just lurk around Hungarian pig slaughters? All suggestions are welcome.

Thanks in advance.

Trentagenarian Trent (Reznor)

Dear TT(R),

First of all, your wife is right: you are too old for it. There is no age in which you are not already too old to go through a goth period.

As for the food, is it weird if I recommend pomegranate seeds? They look kind of gruesome and bloody with the benefit of only being one of those things. I guess if you were really going to commit to a gothic lifestyle, maybe I would recommend drinking a bit of blood. I don't know the first things about goths or what they do with themselves or whether they have any interest in blood at all, but as someone who suffered from routine bloody noses as a child, I can say with confidence that blood doesn't taste all that bad. I can't imagine why I would ever try the blood of another person or animal, but when you accidentally swallow some of it or when your nose is bleeding so furiously and you can't get to a kleenex and all you can do is tilt your head back and let it dribble down your throat... yeah, it's not all that bad.

Still. My recommendation is pomegranate seeds.

I don't know what goth or gothic means, so I just put this pomegranate
inside of a gothic hallway.

"Dear Food Thoughtz": Failure to Thrive

Failing to thrive is a frequent experience for me. This edition of Dear Food Thoughtz will explore whether or not food is a useful tool to dig yourself out of a pit of misery.

Dear Food Thoughtz:

I have lost the will to live, do you have any food recommendations this?

Yours respectfully,
Failing-To-Thrive

p.s. I have a potato, will that help?

Okay, well first of all, “a” potato is not helpful to anyone. One must have at least (at least) four potatoes on hand in order to be of any help. Like, even if it is an enormous potato, one is never enough. Don’t be ridiculous.

A basic flowchart will help us narrow down the scope of this question.



So it looks like we’re going to forge forth with “too lazy or apathetic to thrive.” Here are a list of food experiences I’ve had in the past relevant to your needs:

• One time, after wrapping up a long semester, I bought myself a large pizza and went home with it. I tried to watch a movie, but was so exhausted that I fell asleep with the pizza in bed with me. When I woke up the next morning, I rolled over and stuffed some of that cold pizza in my mouth. I felt like I never needed to leave the bed again. I did, but only to get another pizza.

• Sometimes, when I expect I won’t make it through the week, I buy a bag of frozen fries and eat nearly all of them in one go. After eating that many fries, I then feel like I physically cannot go on. Usually I do not. I pass out in a food-coma.

• When I lived in Montreal for the first time, I barely ate anything at all. This was mostly a result of laziness and extreme frugality.  But every once in a while I would feel like I was on the verge of passing out. Instead of making myself something to eat, I would just go to the corner store and buy a box of Oreos or a big bag of Miss Vickie's jalapeno chips and eat the entire thing at once.

I will say, however, that if you want to turn your life around and start to thrive, one of the best things you can do is actually make something worth eating that won’t make you feel like you’re slowly (or rapidly) transforming into the garbage you’re eating. I mean, who knows! Sometimes all you want is to feel like garbage! In which case you should refer back to this beginning of this discussion. But if you want to turn yourself around, you should go out and get yourself some fruits or vegetables and then prepare them in some mildly time-consuming way that will not be too overwhelming but will make you feel like you’re actually doing something. It's important to note that you can do this in a bathrobe, or whatever your preferred uniform of failure may be. Buying some broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots, cooking them, and grating a bit of cheese on them makes me feel like I am really doing something with my life—even if it takes more or less the same time as ordering a pizza or buying and baking a bag of frozen fries. I guarantee you that even if you take the five minutes required to make a serving of apple sauce, it will make you feel like like you are poised to take over the world (when you realize that you are not in fact poised to take over the world, you will falter, flounder, and sink back into a bag of frozen french fries. The beautiful cycle of life continues!)

Eating poorly generally makes you feel pretty terrible, and it makes it more and more difficult to pull yourself out of a failure-riddled slump. But sometimes that feeling of total failure and no longer caring about what your body looks or feels like is kind of satisfying. So if this is the stage that you're at right now, I would recommend stocking up on crappy frozen foods or several pizzas and curling up on the couch and watching so much tv that you feel like you're either merging with the couch itself or that your eyes are about to burn out of your skull. Ideally both. (Pro Tip: there are usually a lot of good Criminal Minds marathons on, especially during Christmas. They typically last for days.)

"Dear Food Thoughtz": Binging to Deal with Sexual Malevolence

This installation of Dear Food Thoughtz deals with Jian Ghomeshi, but not really. It's pretty directionless.

Dear Food Thoughtz

With the nation reeling from the intimate details of Jian Ghomeshi's wild and crazy sex life, no doubt people are turning to food in order to cope with having to wait for the full story to break in the press about what really happened. What foods are you relying on to sublimate your anticipation about what really happened? I need some inspiration here, because all I have is a giant jar of fermented corn, and I don't know how long I'm going to have to wait for this news to be released.

Sincerely,
Someone who thought for way too long about how to make a sign-off name that was an acronym of BDSM

Just when you thought sauerkraut couldn't get any worse.

Dear person who aspires to be known by the acronym BDSM,

Might I first of all suggest "'Bout to Dig-in to SauerMaize" as a future sign-off name that would translate to an acronym to BDSM? I haven't put much thought into it yet, but this is what came to me first. Also, I have no idea what "sauer" actually means, unless it just means sour. Which it might.

The good news is that you have your choice of any food to eat while watching how this whole thing shakes out, unlike all of those other idiots who initially rushed to his defence (I'M LOOKING AT YOUR TORRAH JANG) who now have to scarf down a bunch of crow baked into a humble pie.

Something about Jian Ghomeshi's facebook post
being a ferment-crock of shit.

Personally, I guess I would have to say that I've been eating a lot of potatoes. Not because I think they're well designed for scandal-binging (although ... they are. They are well designed for any kind of binging; they are delicious) but because they keep showing up in my oven when I get home. So, I don't know. I've never really considered that certain foods are better than others when waiting for a horrific story about violent assault against women to unravel before your very eyes. You know what? I'm going to go with potatoes. I think a lot of people would say popcorn, but popcorn is too light. This is the kind of story that only gets worse and worse as more information is revealed (but also more and more satisfying), so you should match that with a food that makes you feel heavier and heavier the more you eat of it, but leaves a taste of satisfaction in your mouth. Eventually you will get to the point where you feel so sluggish and worn out from all those potatoes and all of the terrible, skeezy revelations about Jian Ghomeshi that you can't be bothered to pick yourself up off the floor again. But at least you'll also have the sweet, sweet taste of potatoes and justice lingering on your taste buds.

Something-something, Jian Ghomeshi is as revolting as this sauerkraut.

I certainly would not recommend eating fermented corn, no matter what the scenario. I mean, unless you wanted to prove to everyone how disgusted you are by Jian Ghomeshi. I guess you could induce vomiting by eating that corn. I guess that is something that you can do with fermented corn. If you're going for BDSM food-bingo, the fermented corn would definitely cover the masochist aspect. For me, potatoes definitely cover the B, D, and S: I am bound to them through love, they dominate my diet, and the ferocity with which I devour them could probably be described as being sadistic (toward the potato).

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Oily Italian Bodies

Dear Food Thoughtz,

I understand that the Romans used to use olive oil in lieu of soap because they had not yet discovered the latter. Thinking of this does not give me a very good feeling. How does it make you feel? Thanks in advance.

Cheers,

Not-feeling-so-clean

Dear Not-Feeling-So-Clean,

Oh boy. I bet you now regret not writing “…because they had not yet discovered the lather” – am I right!?

Anyway, thank you for your interesting albeit somewhat irrelevant query. The Romans did in fact wash themselves with olive oil. At first I thought this was disgusting because I am opposed to any type of edible object coming into contact with any part of the human body that isn’t the mouth. And then I thought that it was ridiculous the Romans were advanced in so many ways (especially in the areas of day beds and gruesome entertainment, and likely a combination of the two) but didn’t have access to soap and instead had to rely on olive oil. And then I wondered why they didn’t have access to soap because they were all over the place, so why didn’t they just pillage it from some Celts (or Babylonians?)? And then I lost all sympathy for the Romans because of course that Empire failed—who could ever afford to bathe exclusively in olive oil? It is so expensive? I can’t imagine being in charge of the Roman budget; it must have been so stressful.

But then I actually bothered myself to find out a) what soap is and b) how the Romans actually washed themselves with olive oil, and now I’m kind of on board with it. First of all, soap is just animal fat mixed with burnt things or something. And secondly, they weren’t just, like, rolling around in a pit of oil and hoping it would clean them. They would lather it on their bodies and then a slave, presumably, would scrape it off of them. Which kind of sounds great—especially the part about the slave. But, right? Don’t you think it would be nice to scrape oil off of your body? Don’t you think that sounds like a great way to clean yourself? So now I’m confused about how I feel about it. I guess I think it’s fine. I’m not sure if I will try it any time soon, but if you were looking for my blessing to pour extra virgin all over yourself and scrape it off, you had it like five years ago. I know you’re somewhere in China right now, but there have been a lot of good olive oil sales here the past few weeks.

But since we’re on the topic of Romans: I have long been fascinated by the concept of lounging on a day bed while someone drapes a clump of grapes into my mouth. Have you ever tried this? It’s not actually very relaxing, it’s certainly not convenient, and frankly, I think it might be a choking hazard. Not recommended.

The Romans also had a reusable communal poo-sponge, so make of that what you will.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Melona Madness

Dear Food Thoughtz,

Have you ever tried these delicious ice cream pops called Melona bars? They come in Melon, Mango, Banana, and Strawberry flavours. They can be found in most grocery stores, but I buy mine in a discount store called No Frills, and can sometimes get them for as cheap as $3.50 a box (they are about twice as much in other grocery stores). This is where my problem comes in. Because there are 8 bars in a pack, I see it as such an extremely good deal, and I feel like such a clever shopper I end up buying multiple boxes at a time, thinking that I will share them with my roommate and my bf, and that I will eat them casually over the course of the summer. This never seems to happen since I end up stuffing my face with them because I find them so absolutely pleasing.

I want to know if you have tried this treat in any of the different flavours, or if you will consider trying them?

If you are not into them, please tell me why so that I can hopefully learn how to see things your way and stop. I also really want to know what advice you could give to someone who just cannot behave around their favorite food....It is so very shame-making.

Thank-you very much,

Yours gratefully,

Melona Maniac

 

Please note: In the picture the box is quite torn. That is because I could not control myself from tearing it open in anticipation. You can see the problem is quite serious.

 Dear Melona Maniac,

Thank you for such an interesting query. I apologize for the lateness of my reply, but I have a good excuse: yesterday after work I went out to Dufferin Mall where I know there to be a No Frills grocery story. There is also a Gap Factory Outlet Store, but there were no good deals there yesterday. I searched high and low for these Melona ice cream pops in both No Frills and then in WalMart, but to no avail. The packaging does not look familiar to me at all, so I suspect that, like most good things, they are not available in Ontario. I was hoping to try several boxes myself to write a more informed response to your question, but unfortunately I will just have to make a bunch of unfounded assumptions. 

To quickly answer your questions (which should have already been answered by that introductory paragraph): no I have not tried them, but yes I would consider trying them—although not the banana or melon flavours because I think that’s disgusting. I like bananas, but I hate when anything is flavoured like a banana because … obviously. It’s a terrible artificial flavour. And, honestly, the natural flavour of a banana isn’t actually good enough to try and replicate artificially. I would never try the melon flavour because I hate melons and think they’re repulsive. Although I must say that I find it surprising that the Melona melon flavour, based on your attached photo, appears to be honeydew, which is strange because I always assume a company would go for watermelon flavour if they’re going to feature any melon flavour at all. Or a melon blend. The honeydew flavour doesn’t appeal to me any more than a watermelon—quite a bit less, actually—but still, just an interesting detail to note. I would like to try the strawberry and mango flavours, but again, to be honest, these aren’t really my favourite flavours for an ice treat. If anything is going to be berry-flavoured, I typically prefer for it to be a berry-burstmashup featuring the four most prominent berries (strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, and blackberry, obviously). As I mentioned in my first-ever Food Thoughtz post, while I don’t like mangoes as fruits, I really do like mango flavouring, which in and of itself is enough to justify the existence of mangoes.

I’m not sure I will be able to offer you any practical advice on how to stop gorging yourself on Melonas, although from the sounds of it you have taken matters into your own hands and tried to substitute them with a ridiculous apple cream pie or something. Without the cream part, this would be a great solution. Apple pies are delicious. Anyway. Whenever I have faced a similar problem and just can’t stop eating something—even after I promise myself that I will ration it like a reasonable human being—it usually just goes away after a fairly short period of time. Earlier this year I went through a phase where I couldn’t stop eating Lucky Charms cereal. I had just discovered that they’re even better with milk, and I was going through a box every day or two. It was horrific. And then I just stopped. And now I don’t let myself buy Lucky Charms anymore. 

I know this isn’t helpful advice, but I think you’ve already taken a very important firs t step by writing in: admitting you have a problem is the best thing you can do. You have also already admitted to yourself that you don’t buy these ice cream pops in bulk with the actual intention of sharing them with friends or ingesting them slowly over the summer, which is something you need to keep in mind the next time you’re tempted to buy these. It seems to me you have three options: you could go the AA route and try to cut this cancer out of your life all together; you could go the Dutch route and try to re-program yourself to consume responsibly; or you could do what I would do, which is to stop buying them regularly, but allow yourself one day a month when you can buy a box and eat them in one sitting. Eight popsicles per months is probably fairly normal, and I can see no reason why you shouldn’t eat all eight of them in the space of 20minutes rather than dragging it out over the course of an entire month.

I’ll be honest: it’s not going to be easy. But if you are serious about getting a grip and taking control of your life, then you don’t have much of a choice. Or you could just move to Ontario where there are exactly zero good things to tempt you because this province is the absolute worst.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Urgent Query

Dear Food Thoughtz,

Attached is a picture of a leechee nut. I think it looks like a testicle. My g-friend thinks it looks like a fetus. It is delicious. 

Obviously we have a dilemma: should we eat this? 

Sincerely, 

Bewildered in the backyard

Dear BiB,

No, you shouldn't eat it. For a lot of reasons. But for the sake of brevity, here's a scene from We Need to Talk About Kevin, which follows immediately afterwards the psychopathic son Kevin burns out his own sister's eye using household cleaners:

Whether it more closely resembles an eye, a peeled testicle, or a fetus, it definitely resembles something extracted from a human body and should be avoided at all costs. I'm also pretty sure it's spelled lychee.

Midge's Addendum:"Obviously they should eat it. They are not different from grapes. I mean, in terms of looking like a body part. A grape could be a human egg or something. Just because you are more used to grapes -- this is a cultural bias, or whatever. Colonizing the lychees. Especially because they can't even spell the name correctly, just like English people can't spell foreign peoples' names."

Dear Food Thoughtz: Hotdog Sushi

A not-so-special Dear Food Thoughtz which isn't really even a Dear Food Thoughtz at all, but the pickings are so slim these days, that I'll take whatever I can get.

Dear Instagram User That I Know In Real Life,

Thank you for tagging me in this Instagram picture. Although I have already alerted you to my thoughtz on this food, let me reiterate here that I think this is wrong and an abomination. I am not even sure if it's a real thing or if you just made it up because a hotdog, some pastrami, pickles, mustard, and cream cheese were literally the only five things you had in your house tonight. I will say that with the exception of the mustard, pickles, and cream cheese, this looks like it might be an improvement on traditional sushi—which, as I have previously discussed, is truly disgusting and awful.

That said, I applaud your resourcefulness. It is often said that the only path to success is one riddled with failure, and while I don't personally live by that ethos, I nevertheless approve of your commitment to culinary failures with the promise of potential success in the future. Bizarrely, if the rumour mill of Grand Forks is to be believed, you are already a wildly successful Vancouver chef, so forgive me if I am confused as to why you're wasting your time with this mustard-meat-tube when you could be devoting yourself entirely to Baked Alaskans (one of your own is pictured below) and apple pies.

Did everyone else know that this is what a Baked Alaskan
is? I had always assumed you just put a whole cod in
the oven for a few hours. #themoreyouknow.

I would also like to point out that despite multiple pleas for pie-mail, I have yet to receive a single pie in the mail. Consider this a strong hint that you should mail me a pie. (You can tell it's a strong hint because I've put the text in bold.)

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Pooping the Rainbow

Dear Food Thoughtz, 

I, like you, ponder deeply when considering my food choices, and I appreciate your awareness of and respect for your particular culinary aversions. You see, years of study and many more years of personal experience have led me to believe that your own body knows which fuel it requires at any given time. So rejoice in your ravenous appetite for Ramen; let a slippery slink of spaghetti slide between saucy lips, if you so desire. 

Inexplicably, my body so craves those foods which have the unavoidable side effect of coming out the same colour they went in. If you know what I mean. Beets, asparagus, spinach - you name it, I want it. Should I trust my appetite and dig in? Or is this the type or inner body turmoil that I should avoid at all costs? 

Yours, 

Confused Craving Crusader 

This just in: my research tells me that my body wants to poop a rainbow. 

Dear Confused Craving Crusader,

First of all, a little known fact about me is that I actually used to really like beets. I don't anymore. It's impossible to know what changed, but I do still like to look at them from afar. I think I might like to see them in a hyper-realistic still-life painting.

That said, a lot of what I try to communicate here at Food Thoughtz is the importance of trusting your own appetite, rather than pandering to preachings of others. But your food choices are disgusting and obviously in conflict with mine, so while I encourage you to eat what makes you happy, you should do it quietly and not around me.

I will say this, however: It has always been my understanding that if the purpose of eating is to extract nutrients from food, the food that goes into your body and the waste that comes out of it should be somehow markedly different. The process of extracting all that is useful from those foods should fundamentally change them into an unrecognizable mass/stream of waste. I will be the first to admit that I know absolutely nothing about biology (with the exception of a story I wrote in gr. 11 biology that tracked Megan M's transition from a piece of food into diarrhea as she made her way through a human body), but it seems to me that something that should be happening in your body is not happening if food is coming out more or less the same way it went in. Everyone seems to agree that spinach, asparagus, and beets are all "good for you," but what if the reason that the resulting waste so closely resembles the original food item is because your body is trying to tell you to stop putting that inside of yourself?

I'm also a bit confused about your desire to poop the rainbow. I mean, I suppose it's a noble quest, but also so fleeting. I guess this is one of those "it's the journey; not the destination" type things, but do you plan to document each poop? And then stitch the photos together into a pride flag? Are you coming to Toronto for World Pride? Please let me know. I don't really want to see your multi-coloured poops, but it would be nice to see you.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Westboro Baptist Cheese

Dear Food Thoughtz:

I am writing to you to get your thoughtz and insights in to a problem I have. I hate cheese. Not the juvenile, melodramatic and catty “hate” exhibited by many reality TV stars, but the kind of hate usually reserved for the likes of the Westboro Baptist Church.

I’m not entirely sure when my distain for the food started, but it must have been at a very young age. My mother assures me that I once loved cheese and did in fact eat it, but that that changed quite suddenly. 

I only remember hating cheese. I don’t even like the thought of it touching anything I eat, it makes me ill thinking about it. This was especially problematic back before lactose intolerant was an acceptable thing to be in a restaurant. Back when they simply removed the offending item from your dish, rather than bothering to make a whole new one. I hated that. I used to go hungry in restaurants a lot.

Which brings me to the problem: How do you deal with situations in which there is no food you can eat?

Let me give you a scenario from my childhood that seemed a very real possibility at the time:

I grew up in Mexico. Which was great, and I loved it. There were, and still are, two problems in Mexico: (1) their love of cheese, and (2) kidnappings. I don’t think I’m the only one that would put those two at the top of the list— but I digress.
During part of my childhood we lived in a small town, with mostly unpaved or cobble-stone roads. There might have been 1000 people that lived there, so had we lived there for longer, I would have probably started to recognize almost everyone. But because we only lived there briefly, I didn’t know many people, and I didn’t know who’s house was who’s. Not that that is much of a problem in general, it was just that I was young and naive enough to believe what the other kids would tell me. There was this house along the route I took to school. It was rather run down, and looked generally uninhabited. My “friends” said it was the kidnappers house, and would walk a wide distance around the house. I walked by this house every day for months. After a while, the sight of the house and the stories gave rise to a peculiar fear: I wasn’t so much scared of being kidnapped, rather I was terrified that I’d only be fed quesadillas if I was. I was petrified of the possibility.

I don’t know if I can ask what you’d do in this scenario, but after reading you blog, I thought you—of all people—might understand how reasonable this unreasonable fear was.

Regards,
Kidnapped with Quesadillas

Dear Kidnapped with Quesadillas,

Thank you for your thoughtful question framed in a story that was so enthralling that I totally forgot that there was a question to answer.

First of all, I think that what you've done here is subconsciously recognized an irrational fear of cheese and mapped it onto a (somewhat) rational fear of being kidnapped in order to make sense of it. Although, of course being fed quesadillas would hardly be the most horrific part of being kidnapped. I mean, I get how terrifying food can be sometimes, but I'm currently reading Jerzy Kosinki's The Painted Bird right now, so at this point, force-feeding a child a quesadilla would be a welcome repose to all of the other horrors you could inflict on it.

I have a hard time respecting your predicament because although the vast majority of cheese is revolting, some cheese--notably cheddar (not Coastal Cheddar), mozzarella, parmasan, and those delicious TexMex shredded cheese mixes--are so delicious that I just can't sympathize with your position even though I see a lot of my own food-fears in you. That said, I will try to overlook this so that we can move on.

The question, for those of you who have forgotten it, is how do I deal with situations in which there is no food that I can eat. I guess there are several answers depending on the context. If I was kidnapped and force-fed something, I guess that I would eat that thing and just hope that my fear of the whole kidnapping experience would override my fear of having to eat something that I hate. If I was being force-fed spaghetti squash, I guess I might throw it up (against my will). I think that if I was being held in some sort of room, and food was brought to me but I wasn't forced to eat it, I would probably try to not eat it. My will to live is almost non-existent, so I can't imagine convincing myself to continue eating some gross mush just to live one more miserable day.

Barring any extreme scenarios, if I am in a situation in which there is nothing I can eat, then I don't eat. I'm pretty good at gauging the situation before I get myself into it and planning ahead. If, for some reason, I felt obligated to go to an Ethiopian restaurant, I would obviously know ahead of time that I wouldn't eat anything there, so I would eat before hand. If I found myself in a situation where I thought I would be able to eat something only to discover that there is nothing for me, then I would wait until I could eat something.

Luckily I eat so many staple foods that I think I would be hard-pressed to actually be in a position where I would die if I didn't eat something that I didn't like. Of course there are some foods--spaghetti squash and boiled eggs are two examples--that I could never bring myself to eat no matter what. But there are also slight modifications of food that I already eat that I could probably bring myself to eat if I had to. One time I ate a weird rice dish on a plane.

I don't think I've addressed any of the things that perhaps you expected me to address. My thoughtz on your cheese-hatred is that it's weird to not like cheddar because it's so good, but like, whatever. Keep on hating cheese. Don't eat it. If someone offers you something with cheese on it, you have a few options. You can politely decline and not give a reason. You could politely decline and explain that you don't eat cheese because you hate it. You could show your disgust at their suggestion and then rant about what awful and disgusting people they are and picket their house with "GOD HATES FETA" signs, and when their dog dies tell them that the reason it died is because they are vile sinners and God is punishing them and will continue to punish them and everyone else until we all stop eating cheese. And to be fair, God probably does hate feta, and anyone who continues to flout God's wishes probably does deserve whatever comes to them because feta is disgusting.

Look. Your fear/hatred of cheese is unreasonable. I have a lot of unreasonable fear/hatred of a lot of different foods. If someone was going to make me eat a boiled egg, I would cry. My heart would start pounding and I would start to panic and sweat. I would make a lot of weird noises. I would resort to an all-out temper tantrum to try and get out of it. And at the time I would think that nothing could possibly violate me in a more harmful way than I was being violated at that moment. But their comes a point when you have to take solace in the fact that this is an unreasonable reaction to have to certain kinds of food and in knowing that all you can do is a start a blog that three people will read in the hopes of better understanding yourself. Above all, you can find comfort in the fact that your hatred of cheese is matched by God's hatred of feta and/or fags and that together you will watch the world burn for all of the disgusting things people choose to put into their orifices.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Tips on re-using glass milk bottles

This edition of Dear Food Thoughtz is really not very engaging.  I would recommend skipping it.  But if you think you have a more interesting submission, please forward it to food.thoughtz@gmail.com

Dear Food Thoughtz

Of course you'll remember that time we found expensive bouge-y milk in beautiful glass bottles at Buy-Low, and how I bought it, even though I had to drive 7 hours back to Alberta and didn't really need to be buying expensive milk for the road. Well, now I need your help. I cannot figure out what to do with this big bottle. You'll see that I am ingeniously using the small bottle for my maple syrup, but I am at a total loss on how to use the big one. 

Your bouge-y sister

Dear Bouge-y Sister,

Let me begin by saying that I hope you don't regret the decision to buy this milk, because these bottles are beautiful and I'm sure will useful at some point.

The second thing I want to say is that I don't think you application of the smaller jar as a vessel for maple syrup is ingenious. You didn't ask for my advice on what to do with maple syrup, but nevertheless I would propose a bottle with a narrower mouth. I really don't like how this looks. I don't think it's working. You should buy a beer that comes in a bottle large enough to accommodate an entire tin of maple syrup. You might want to look specifically for one that has one of those hinge caps--I don't know what they're called, but Grolsch uses them--otherwise you would have to buy a bottle stopper. Which, actually, reminds me that you won that great prize pack from the Liquor Store & More that had about sixteen bottle stoppers in it.

Of course, if you decide to follow my suggestion and transfer the syrup from this current bottle into a different bottle, you will have to find a use for the smaller bottle. The main problem with the small jar is that there are very few liquids that you want such a small amount of that you would also want a wide jar opening through which to pour. I think maybe we're limiting ourselves by assuming that it has to be a liquid. What if you stored some sort of spice or grain in there? But, I mean, if it's going to be too much of a hassle to find another bottle that is better suited to hold the maple syrup, then I guess just leave it as is. I personally don't like it, but it seems like you're more willing to settle for less, so to each his own.

As for the larger bottle -- is it possible to use it for seasonal beverages? Don't you make iced tea or lemonade or something? Don't you want to have 2L of sidecars prepared in case your mother comes for a visit? I would recommend just storing it in the pantry until you feel the need to make 2L worth of a beverage. There are two potential benefits to this: 1) you might feel motivated to make more lemonade or iced tea (or sidecars) knowing that it will be an excuse to use this bottle; 2) because you won't be using the bottle everyday, you might appreciate it more the few times you do use it.

Also, wasn't it Overwaitea and not Buy-Low? I thought you bought the milk the same time you bought mum that ridiculous bag of chocolate covered popcorn or whatever it was.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Peer Pressure & Shrimp Shells

This week's (?) edition of Dear Food Thoughtz counters unsolicited advice on how to eat shrimp with solicited advice on what to do with those garbage bags full of shrimp shells you have laying around.  If you have garbage bags full of shrimp shells, please don't send them to me.  But if you have a food-related concern, do not hesitate to write in to food.thoughtz@gmail.com

Hello there,

I know you are not a seafood person, but I have to ask this question to someone who cares about food, and the different ways in which it can be eaten.

What are your thoughts on eating shrimp with the shell ON? I did not even realise this was something people did until recently when a friend tried to coax me to eat it this way as the seasoning was on the shell. He argued that if I removed the shell the flavour would be lost. I am not a fussy eater, but I have to tell you, I was appalled! When I tried to put that shelled shrimp in my mouth I finally understood what some people mean when they say they are fussy about the 'textures' of different foods. Even though I doubt that you enjoy shrimp, can you see the 'leaving the shell on' side of the argument? They are crazy to eat it this way, right? If not, please explain this to me because it freaks me out?!

Sincerely

FOASS
(Freaking Out About Shelled Shrimp)

Dear FOASS,

Let me begin by admitting that I do not know what you’re talking about.  I have never eaten shrimp myself, and if I am in the presence of someone eating shrimp, I always avert my gaze because it is so gruesome and revolting.  Is this the shrimp where you have to suck the meat out, and then pile up the little exoskeletons (or peel the exoskeletons? I don’t know how to eat shrimp)?  Is that the shell?  Isn’t that the only way to eat shrimp?  I don’t understand.  I am reading a New York Times article about shrimp-shell soup stock (apparently a solution to the shell debate), and they’re talking about the difference between either removing the shell before your prepare the shrimp, or leaving the shell on during the cooking process and then removing the shell before you eat it.  Is that what you’re talking about? Or are you talking about never removing the shell and actually eating it with the shrimp meat?

At any rate, some cursory googling has indeed revealed that if you’re eating shrimps without their shells, you’re doing it wrong.  But when it comes to food and personal preference, I don’t think that you can “do it wrong” (unless you’re putting it in a different orifice, in which case you’re doing it wrong).  I mean, maybe a large portion of the global population can agree that shrimp tastes better when it’s in its shell (or maybe these people are just the most vocal—who knows), but I can guarantee that it definitely doesn’t taste better if the thought of eating shrimp that way makes you vomit.  Then it just tastes like vomit.  I hate people who say that there’s a best way to eat something.  The best way to eat something is the way you most enjoy eating it.  Maybe you could strike a deal with this so-called "friend:"  In exchange for not telling you how to eat your own food, you could give him a bag of gently sucked-on shrimp shells.  Anyone who uses the food itself (or a part of the food) as a vessel for that food is a disgusting monster.  It's like eating oysters or a person's brain out of their own skull or haggis.

I saw this weird display at the Museo Nacional de Antropología in Mexico City.  This is what eating shrimp out of their
shells is like.  It's proto-human.  That's what the museum taught me.

In closing, your name—Freaking Out About Shelled Shrimp—seems to simultaneously suggest freaking out about shrimp that has a shell but also the shrimp that has already been shelled.  Is it possible that you’re just freaking out about shrimp as a food?  I know I am.  I would recommend abstaining from it.

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Decisions, Decisions

This edition of Dear Food Thoughtz features a flow chart.  If you want to see more flow charts in future posts, then by all means write in to food.thoughtz@gmail.com.

Dear Food Thoughtz,

My two favourite foods are spaghetti and kimchi ramen.  I recently came home after a long day of work craving both but knowing full well from past experience that I cannot have both in one sitting.  Do you have any steadfast rule for prioritizing these two equally delicious meals? Is there a hierarchy or flow chart I should follow?

Please help.

The Spag Fag

PS> I am hoping for an answer that does not involve metaphysics.

Dear Spag Fag,

Thank you so much for your question.  This is a problem that I often struggle with myself.  Usually decisions are made for me because there are so few things I will eat, but every once in a while I am presented with two options that I love equally and it is maddening.  Not to diminish your experience or anything, but it's probably a lot harder for me because it's so rare. 

I actually do have a flow chart ready to go because I took a business class once, and these were typically the kind of exercises we had to do.

I hope you found that as helpful as I always do.  It actually is pretty helpful because if you let yourself fall into panic-mode, you will make a decision without realizing you're making it, and then voilà, problem solved!

But if you didn't find it helpful, I think there are a few questions you could ask yourself the next time you're in this situation.  The most important one is how much energy you're willing to invest in preparing food right now, and which option is going to require the least amount of energy.  Do you really feel like cooking right now, or do you just want to kick back with some food and enjoy Dallas?  Another question you might want to consider is how much of either option you have on hand, and what it will take to procure more.  For example, if you only have one serving of spaghetti sauce left, you might want to ask yourself whether or not you would enjoy it more a different time.  If you only have one ramen left but a few servings of spaghetti sauce, you might consider the time it takes you to make spaghetti sauce versus the time it takes you to pick up another ramen from the store.

This is a really tough spot for anyone to be in.  It seems so simple: if you love both, why not just close your eyes and pick at random?  But the worst part is that no matter what you choose, you might find yourself regretting having not chosen the other option, and then you won't even be able to enjoy the meal that you would typically have really relished.  Sometimes I take these tough decisions as an opportunity to pick a third option that I hadn't even considered in the first place and that I probably find less appetizing, but is perhaps a more nutritious.  Just remember: when God closes a door, he opens a window ;)

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Too Much Care

Today's Dear Food Thoughtz deals with an ungrateful daughter.  If you are ungrateful for any food you have received, please write in to food.thoughtz@gmail.com

Dear Food Thoughtz

My mum is the best. I don't have to tell you that. She is always sending care packages that really are full of so much care! Socks, Lindt chocolate, angry letters from Canada Revenue, you name it. I remember once on my birthday she sent me a cake mix, 1/3 cup of oil, and an egg - everything I needed to make my own birthday cake. She even included a container of icing and a spatula! But this time she went too far. I picked up a package from her almost 2 weeks ago, and along with the usual things (mostly all the things I had left at her house over Christmas, like my daughter's party dress and the timer for my new percolator), she included a cake. Like, a fully baked cake, with some sort of raspberry filling. And a tub of homemade icing. Her argument was that it was a Valentine's cake, and I mean, sure. It's shaped like a heart. But her instructions were to put it in the freezer and save it until Valentine's day. 

I'm serious.

She wanted me to put the cake and the icing in the freezer, and let it sit there for 2 full weeks. Adding to the absurdity, she then suggested I should share it with my grandparents. 

So what I want to know is...what was she THINKING?! And more importantly, is she mad at me for something? Because why else would she send me an entire cake in the mail and then instruct me NOT to eat it?

Help me!

Crushed by the burden of cake

Dear CbtBoC

A few days have passed since Valentine's Day.  Is it too late to Loomis me that cake?

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Potato Metaphysics

Welcome to a very special edition of Dear Food Thoughtz.  This question was submitted by a valued reader over a month ago, but because the question demanded a more rigorous examination than I am capable of, I enlisted the help of my personal metaphysician, Midge Deak (pronounced deek).  Midge is a graduate student in philosophy, specializing in Stoic metaphysics.  She has recently solved the problem of identity and is very fond of buns.  As always, please direct all future inquiries to food.thoughtz@gmail.com.  If you require Midge's profound philosophical insights, please put "Philosophy Alert" or "Philosopher Needed" in the subject line. 

Dear Food Thoughtz,

These potatoes were baked, but are they really "baked potatoes"?

Dear Avid Reader, 

First of all, thank you for writing us and for showing an unprecedented interest in the metaphysics of (baked) potatoes. A wise (post-)hellenistic philosopher once said: "Man cannot live by bread alone." And it seems that you, dear reader, cannot live by the substance of potatoes alone; you are hungry for the Baked Potato, or in all probability, pure and unmixed Bakedness.

In order to establish whether a potato that has been baked is a "baked potato", the entity's potatohood and bakedness both ought to be thoroughly investigated. However, putting my own metaphysical interests aside, I will try to focus on your question instead. Namely, what makes a potato a baked potato? Whether any potato that has been baked is a "baked potato" or does "baked potato"-ness consist in something else than going through a structural transformation in an oven.

The question is especially interesting because we actually know of potato dishes that are prepared with the method of baking, but which are not called a (or several) baked potatoes. Examples of such a kind of a dish are "potato squashers", oven-fried potatoes, stuffed potatoes and potato casseroles such as the delicious Hungarian "rakott krumpli" or the less delicious French "tartiflette". 

In my opinion there are two factors that are crucial in a potato-dish naming process (or dish-naming processes in general). First, the different sources that a potato-dish can acquire its name from: (A) non-potato ingredients, e.g. cheesy potatoes (B) other processes of preparation, e.g. stuffed potatoes, (C) some random fantasy name, e.g. tartiflette. And second, the preferences of the potato-dish-baptist. The Baptist could choose a name based on either A, B or C depending on which characteristic of the potato dish she thinks to be the most relevant. If she thinks that the most essential part of a potato dish is that the dish in question has been stuffed, then she will name it a stuffed potato. She may have made this choice because she thinks that the ingredients constituting the stuffing are either made mostly of potato, or that they are not very interesting, at least not more interesting than the gracious act of stuffing. However, if the Baptist feels that the ancillary ingredients have a more crucial importance in defining the essence of the potato-dish in question than the method of preparation, she will name the potato dish with reference to the process involved in preparation. 

It has to be noted that the name-giving preparatory process also has to be chosen from all the different processes involved in the preparation. Baked potatoes are also often washed and scrubbed beforehand, nevertheless they are not called "washed potatoes" or "scrubbed potatoes" or "washed and scrubbed potatoes", or " washed and scrubbed then baked potatoes" even though this last one would be the most accurate description of the potato dish in question. A similar case can be made for naming based on ingredients. Prima facie, these characteristics of potato-dish-naming processes seem to suggest that the christening of a steaming plateful of solanum tuberosum is governed by the whimsical fancies of fallible humans, who just choose whatever name comes to their mind upon the consideration of the material components of the potato dish and its history. This suspicion is also confirmed by the existence of random fantasy names like tartiflette. 

Personally, I find this account of potato-dish naming highly unsatisfactory. Although most humans are stupid and easily influenced, with the attention span of a tired mosquito, I find it unbelievable that all human actions are dictated by the music of chance. I would like to believe that humans are the most evolved among all animals, and as such have a keen insight into the true nature of things. They see the very essence of things and conceives of them accordingly. Names given to entities reflect this acumen humans have into the nature of things. They aim to grasp the most essential feature of the entities they apply to. To give an example, oranges are called "oranges", because their most essential feature is their colour, which is orange, and tables are called "tables", because their most essential function is to function as a table. If we apply this reasoning to dish naming, we can see that the names of dishes also aim to reflect their true essence. A cheeseburger is essentially cheesy, a Caesar salad is essentially a salad, and a carrot cake is essentially constituted by carrots. In all cases the name reflects the true inner nature.

Based on these considerations, we can conclude that if a potato dish is called "baked potato" it must be a potato dish to which the process of preparation, i.e. baking, is essential. Thus, dear reader, if you ever find yourself asking whether a potato that you have eaten was a "baked potato" close your outer eyes, and focus the eye of your very soul (i.e. your intellect) on the true essential nature of the tuber you have just ingested. Soon you will find an answer.

More tuber musings can be found here.