13 October 2013


It was recently suggested to me that I write about sushi for Food Thoughtz.  I thought it was a terrible suggestion because the idea of eating sushi is so preposterous to me—as it should be to you (the idea of me eating sushi; I don’t care what you do with your free time)—that it seemed like a waste of time to even address it.  I got so worked up at the terrible suggestion that I started manically listing off all the reasons that I would not eat sushi, and began to realize that there just might be a little post here.

I will be the first to admit that I know next to nothing about sushi.  I know there are different kinds, but it is my understanding that in order to be considered sushi, it has to be rice wrapped in seaweed, and then there’s a little treat tucked into the centre  (presumably it’s now possible to get the rice replaced with quinoa and the seaweed replaced with kale).  The only “treat” I know of is raw fish, and it’s sort of pink looking so I’ve always assumed it was salmon (also because the only other fish I am aware of are tuna and cod, and I’m not sure if cod is edible and I’m certain that tuna is not).
So if this is what sushi is, then there are a lot of problems wrapped up in one little roll.  I would never eat fish, and I certainly wouldn’t ever eat it raw.  I don’t eat my food wrapped in the garbage of the sea, those slimy bits of sea-grass that are so repulsive even to the ocean that they’re always scattered along the beach when the tide is out(and what I have always held responsible for that awful smell when the tide is out).  And then the rice—the one redeeming feature of this mess, the one part I could actually bring myself to eat—is cold?  There are a few things I can bring myself to eat cold: potatoes (if they were fried), plain pasta (if it’s cold not from the fridge but just from sitting out after it was cooked, and only if I just sort of pluck one or two noodles out and eat them. I wouldn’t eat an entire bowl of cold pasta), ice cream.  But rice is not one of them.  I had to stop using a microwave because whenever you use it to heat up rice, it’s never even so you always get a clump of cold rice and I always shudder when it’s unexpectedly in my mouth because it makes me think of what it must be like to eat fish eggs.  So I’m certainly not going to eat a ball of cold rice just to get to some treat in the centre, especially when that “treat” is raw fish.

I know that sushi can be adapted to meet the needs of restrictive diets because the two d-bags I know who only eat organic local vegan food that is gluten free eat sushi sometimes.  I thought there could be no possible way that sushi could be altered enough to meet my dietary restrictions and still be sushi, but I was wrong.  You guys, the Japanese confectionists have done it again!

And here's a link to where you can buy it on Amazon, because you guys!!!!!!, Christmas is coming!

Cold rice and raw fish wrapped up in a seaweed roll?
Throw out the fish, throw out the seaweed
Heat up the rice, and put it in a bowl—
That’s the only kind of “sushi” that I need. 

Wouldn’t that be so much more nice?

Nothing more than a bowl and plain rice?

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