25 August 2014

Open Poll

You guys. I need to know whether or not my dad should write a guest post about apricots.

Should my dad write a guest post about apricots?

23 August 2014

Häagen-Dazs Ice Cream

Last summer I was in Overwaitea (obviously) and saw two German tourists in the check-out line with a basket overflowing with Häagen-Dazs. It wasn’t even on sale. Häagen-Dazs isn’t even German. They were traveling and it seemed unlikely they would be able to consume so much Häagen-Dazs before moving on. Nothing made sense.

Here's this tub of Häagen-Dazs that I'm currently eating.
I've always wanted to know what it feels like to lay in bed,
eating a tub of ice cream, while watching TV and crying
about everything that's wrong in my life. It feels fine, but
I don't understand why this is such a popular trope.

I have long maintained that Häagen-Dazs is not all it’s cracked up to be. Sure, it’s decent ice cream, but by no means does its quality justify its price. A tiny little tub of Häagen-Dazs—and let’s be real for a moment, one of those tubs is really only good for one serving—is not worth $7. Especially when the Colville WalMart is right across the line and sells Tillamook ice cream (which truly is quality ice cream) for about $1 a gallon. Sure, it’s an American dollar, but still.

My mum bought a tub of Häagen-Dazs on sale to accompany my birthday pie. And first of all, even on sale it was still $5. Is anyone actually buying this product at full price? But second of all, it just reminded me of how while Häagen-Dazs does make a good ice cream, it likely will never be good enough to warrant that outrageous price. Ice cream can be a tricky product. Some ice cream is truly terrible. Cheap Breyers is probably the worst ice cream on the market, and I don’t think it’s even a dairy product. They would probably be more successful peddling their garbage discount ice cream as vegan rather then trying to pass it off as an ice cream fit for consumption. So, yes. Häagen-Dazs is better than Breyers. But it’s not better than Chapman’s, or President’s Choice, or no-name/sans-nom. I’m not really going anywhere with this. I just don’t think that Häagen-Dazs deserves all the hype it gets.

A seven dollar price tag is practically thieving,
And that umlauted “A” is pretty deceiving—
It took me several years to determine
That Häagen-Dazs isn’t even German.

21 August 2014


Yesterday I drank a smoothie knowing full well that a fair portion of it was mould. I had so many berries in my fridge, and they’re so hard to keep—especially blackberries—but I didn’t want to throw them out, so I just blended them up in a smoothie. This isn’t the first time I’ve done it. I figure that mould can’t really be that bad for you, right? But after I had it I felt kind of sick, and I wasn’t able to figure out if it was because I had ingested too much mould (which honestly seems unlikely because I live in Toronto and this whole city is full of mould), or if just thinking about eating that mould made me think I was sick, or if it’s because I recently challenged myself to eat the largest cauliflower in the world.

Here's the smoothie that I ate that
might have been mouldy.

But mould really is disgusting, and I don’t want to eat it anymore. It's a revolting terror. It just grows on things. It is so unwelcome. It just shows up. And the worst part isn't even that you have to throw out whatever food it has colonized; the worst part is that it is such a horrifying thing to ever have to encounter. Luckily I usually keep tabs on what I have and what needs to be eaten, but there is nothing worse than enjoying a basket of berries, only to discover about half way through that they're infested with mould.

Here's a picture of me with a mould cap. My sister says that I
look like the Phantom of the Opera. Can you imagine what a
terrible story that would be? If his face was so horrific that covering
it with mould would actually be an improvement?

I don't have much else to say about mould. No one likes it. No one wants to eat it (unless it's cheese, but still... cheese with visible mould on it is an abomination). Although, maybe I do have one more thing to say about it. A lot has been posted about how McDonalds' burgers and fries don't seem to mould (this has been debunked several times), and how this is a sign that McDonalds' food isn't "real" food. But if mould is the only valid indicator of what is real food and what isn't, then I don't want to have any part of real food. Why won't McDonalds' burgers mould? Because they're better than all other foods that will. Obviously those tiny and delicious McDonalds burgers are an improvement on all those other mouldy foods. The future is here, and it isn't mouldy.

I will never understand why food has such a hard time to uphold
Its natural state and will inevitably start to grow mould.

03 August 2014

Melona Ice Bar (Banana Flavour)

The Melona taste challenge rages on, with three Melonas down and only the strawberry yet to come. Today I tried the banana flavour, mostly because I expected it to be the worst by far, and I wanted to end on what I would hope to be a relatively positive note (strawberry: among my favourite artificial flavours).

But in a bizarre, totally unforeseen twist of events, banana might actually be my favourite Melona of all--which isn't actually saying much, because none of them are particularly good, or at least not outstanding. But the banana flavour was surprisingly good, which is weird because banana is, hands down, my least favourite artificial flavour. Even the idea of artificial banana is revolting to me, so I had extremely low expectations for this Melona. Perhaps that's why I think it's so good--just because I expected it to be the worst, and it wasn't. But ... I don't know. It was pretty good. It was definitely better than mango and melon. Even the melon flavour was surprisingly okay, or at least a lot better than expected.

banana on Make A Gif
Here's a rare gif set of me having a change of heart.

I mean, the banana one was good. I still don't think I would go out of my way in the future to procure it, but I don't know, I'm kind of into it. I think I might eat it again at some point. It definitely has a banana "flavour" without actually tasting like a banana. I think maybe the creaminess is what made it better than just an artificial banana candy? I'm not sure. I really don't know what to think. I feel like everything I thought I knew about the world was just turned on its head, and I am having a hard time coming to terms with that. I thought that writing out my feelings might help me try and clarify all of the emotions I'm experiencing right now, but it hasn't. I am still confused. I'm obviously glad that it wasn't as terrible I was expecting, but I'm also kind of disappointed in myself because I feel like I generally have a pretty good grasp on what kinds of food I will like without having tried them before, and I don't like having that sense of self challenged in such a fundamental way.

I made a commitment to eat
All of the Melona ice bars--what a feat!
Artificial banana (I thought it was obsolete)
Turned out to be a most surprising treat.

01 August 2014

Melona Ice Bar (Melon Flavour)

I'm nothing if not fair, and so tonight I tried a second Melona ice bar, and this time it was the melon flavour. I mentioned in the previous mango Melona post that I thought that a specifically honeydew-flavoured popsicle is a weird choice. And aside from the banana flavour, I was pretty certain I would hate this one the most. But you know what? I didn't. I kind of liked it. I didn't love it, but I definitely didn't hate it. And maybe I even liked it more than the mango? I don't know. I'm very confused right now. So if you're going to try a Melona ice bar, I think I might recommend the melon.

Melona Melon
Here's this gif.

But can someone who has actually tried a honeydew confirm whether or not the melon flavour actually tastes like a honeydew? Because I have never had one and I never will.

Anyway, now there are two flavours left for me to try: strawberry and banana. I am really not looking forward to the banana one. That sounds so disgusting.

Oh a little icey pop, icey pop
It's Korea's biggest export: the Melona
These flavours aren't great, when you gonna stop?
When you gonna give it up, Melona? 

Although the melon is kind of okay
But the creamsicle I will not betray
My tastebuds you will not sway
You're not m-m-m-my Melona.

Froot Loops

Last night I felt really sick. M and I went out to eat at this new All-Food-$5 restaurant that has just opened up in Toronto (a Vancouver import). This is the third time I've eaten there and the second time I've had a mysterious sickness not long after. I felt nauseous and feverish and for some reason I knew--I just knew--that the only thing that would make me feel better was Lucky Charms. Unfortunately the near-by convenience store only sells Froot Loops, so I got those instead.

Froot Loops have never been my favourite cereal. I liked Lucky Charms, Golden Grahams, and Honeycomb. But for whatever reason, every once in a while, I really want to have Froot Loops. And they did make me feel better last night when I was feeling so ill, but then they made me feel really gross this morning when I tried them with milk for the first time. I have had such good fortune with cereal and milk lately, and I thought Froot Loops would be the same. But it wasn't. It was so sweet. It was too much. It was awful. I hated it.

I still kind of like Froot Loops on their own, I guess because they're not marinating in sugar-milk, but I don't think they'll ever be in my Top 5 Favourite Cereals. I will say that even though they were way too sweet with milk, one of the best feelings is finding a Froot Loop that is entirely crusted over with sugar. You can find sugar-crusted Honeycombs too, but a Froot Loop is so good that way.

I guess I don't have anything else to say about Froot Loops. I kind of regret getting that whole box now, but I think I will enjoy them over the next couple of days today.

Of all the sugary cereals out there to eat
Froot Loops is pretty far down on my list
Even for me they're much too sweet 
But I have a whole box so I guess I'll persist