The Mango

Mangoes are not fit for human consumption. Like most things from the third world, the mango’s purpose is to patiently wait for it to be improved upon in the form of juice or as an artificial flavour. The actual mango is nearly impossible to quarter and revolting to ingest. It is full of little hairs (which have no place inside of a fruit!!!) and has an unpleasant texture which is simultaneously too soft, too hard, and too slimy. However, begrudgingly I must admit that mangoes don’t have an entirely unpleasant taste. I tried a fresh one once when I was in Colombia (I couldn’t bring myself to try the papaya), more out of sheer desperation than anything else. I did not feel the immediate urge to gag, however the hairs were very unpleasant and off-putting. I would not try another mango.

Look at this beautifully cubed mango! What a
beautiful bed it would make! And if you got cold,
you could wrap yourself in its hairs.

Here are some appropriate things to do with a mango:

• Look at store displays. Ripe mangoes are a beautiful swirling of reds, oranges and yellows. If you see an unripe green mango, avert your gaze.

• Watch someone cut up a mango into cubes that are still attached to the skin. Then imagine yourself laying on top of a giant cubed-mango divan.

That’s about it. Mangoes are extremely limiting.

You ate a mango? How exotic!
But honestly, it’s quite quixotic:
Why spend your money on some hair
When your head alone has enough to spare?