02 January 2014

"Dear Food Thoughtz:" Pickle & Pudding Problems; Heartbreak

Welcome to the second installment of Dear Food Thoughtz.  Today's installment tackles a disgusting pickle addiction, my struggles with a steamed Christmas pudding, and eating emotions.  Email questions to: food.thoughtz@gmail.com

Dear Foodthoughtz!

I am writing you because I am in a terrible pickle. Although, not really. By which I mean that actually I am not in a pickle or in pickle juice—and this is part of the problem.
All my life I have had a burning passion for sour and savoury things, disjunctively and conjunctively. I love chips, cheese, yogurt with salt in it, pickles, pickle flavoured chips, mustard, nuts... you name it. As a teenager I survived for years on sauerkraut, apple and pickled peppers. However, in the recent past, I got married to a person who is averse to all things pickly (although she is acceptant of some savoury things, and vinegar on its own, or as a chip-flavouring). To be honest, at first I have tried to conceal my desires. I have abstained from pickles, or consumed them away from home. I have been pickle-free for 6 months, except for the occasional slice of pickled cucumber on my burger.

As you can imagine, these unhealthy, restrictive behaviours soon took a toll on my health. I began craving pickles. And by craving, I mean CRAYving. I wanted to be showered with sauerkraut and bathed in picklejuice. It did not take long to give in to my secret desires. I became a secretive picklemuncher, snacking on stashes of sauerkraut under my bed and picklejars hidden in the toilet-tank. At this point I fear that the smell might betray me and that my secret will be discovered.

I don't know what to do. Should I reveal my secret and face my wife's contempt and disgust or should I try to suppress my burning desires for acids?!

Help me! Please!


A sourpuss

Dear Sourpuss,

This is a tough one to answer.  Of course you should by now be well aware of my thoughtz on pickles.  You are a depraved individual for whom very little can be done.  It seems as though your addiction is one that is ruling your life and could potentially ruin your marriage.  In general, I would rarely recommend attempting to overcome any kind of addiction because it will probably lead to a life devoid of meaning, but because the future of your marriage hinges on your ability to exercise restraint and self-discipline when it comes to pickles (and presumably, by extension, all savoury preserves), you are in a very precarious position.  Here is my advice:

Your wife seems like a reasonable and level-headed individual, so perhaps you can strike a deal.  There might be something that she is deeply attached to that you want her to give up, and perhaps you can use this as leverage.  It might even be something as simple as a ratty old t-shirt.

Ultimately, if you can manage to keep your depraved dietary addictions to yourself,  and ensure that pursuing your love of all things pickled does not infringe on your wife's highly-evolved culinary sensibilities, this shouldn't really be much of a problem.  What might be a problem, however, is storing your pickles in the toilet tank.  I would be worried about fecal contamination, the possibility of which is probably increased by such a revolting diet.

Dear Food Thoughtz

Tonight I watched you eat a steamed Christmas pudding that had fruit and carrots in it. I feel confused, like I don't even know you anymore.

Your sister

Dear Concerned Reader,

No one is more confused than I am about that steamed Christmas pudding.  Honestly, when I saw it approach the table afire, I hope that it might entirely be consumed by flame so that I wouldn’t be put in the position of having to eat it.  Unfortunately I was put in that position, and in order to avoid being rude, I forced it down.  Thankfully it was mushy enough that I didn't need to chew before swallowing, so it wasn't as difficult as I initially thought it would be.  It was also served with whipped cream, and I made sure to keep a stash of whipped cream untouched in a corner so I could cleanse my palate afterwards.

Dear Food Thoughtz,

What is the best food for soothing compounded heartbreak?
Dear Anonymous,

Pizza.  I think pizza is probably the best food for heartbreak of all kinds.  It's also the food I turn to during periods of elation.  Pizza is always the best way to deal with extreme and oscillating emotions.  It is best consumed in bed.  Just bring the whole box in with you and settle down with some TV.  One great thing about having emotions is that they can almost always be eaten.

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